Parenting in a pandemic

Parenting has taken on new meaning in today’s world.

Expectations on parents are ever higher; society often judges us on our ‘performance’.

As parents we can feel under pressure and under scrutiny from others: wider family, neighbours, friends, colleagues or our children themselves.

Let me introduce you to some ideas from a Nonviolent Resistance (NVR) approach which has its roots in the civil rights movement. These ideas have been applied to parenting in a way that I have found helpful when working with families.

Nonviolent Resistance (NVR) ideas are associated originally with Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King and their work to bring about positive change using nonviolent methods.

But how can NVR be applied to parenting? To answer this question we need to turn to Haim Omer, an Israeli professor at the School of Psychological Sciences at Tel Aviv University. He has devised a programme for parents and teachers who encounter difficult behaviours in the children they care for.

When are NVR ideas relevant to parenting?

Parenting a child who displays aggressive, controlling or anxious behaviour can be hugely challenging; the NVR approach is particularly appropriate in addressing such difficulties. Parents will often come to therapy struggling with how to help their children and manage the impact that such behaviours put on family life.

Other parents will recognise that they have lost the happy connection they once had with their child resulting from the cycle of difficult behaviour and the conflict that can develop between parent and child.

Developing “Parental Presence” is a central feature

Parental presence is more than just being physically present; it is about spending quality time with your child, ideally a positive experience for both of you.

Parents are encouraged to think about what their child might like, whether it is cooking their favourite dinner, asking a question about something they are interested in or playing a computer game with them, even if that is not your thing.

This is offered to the child as an act of unconditional love, not as a reward for good behaviour.

NVR gives parents the tools they need to de-escalate difficult situations

When parenting gets tough and you feel stressed about your child’s behaviour, NVR can help parents change their tendency to respond to anger with anger or to give in and back down, feeling deflated and having lost control.

Through learning what presses our particular buttons as parents and practising calming ourselves down - separating our own emotional reaction from what is going on for our child - we can address the situation when things are less volatile and away from the heat of the moment.

Fit your own oxygen mask before attending to the needs of others

Prioritising parental self-care - looking after yourself - is at the heart of NVR parenting. This is challenging for most parents who lead busy and stressful lives often working full-time as well as bringing up children.

To have the energy that is needed for parenting, it is vital to be able to look after yourself and to consider making this a regular feature of your life.

There is much more to the NVR approach than I have described here; Sarah Fisher, a parent, coach and trainer has written a useful introduction to what she terms “Connective Parenting”.

Next time I will write more about using the NVR approach for parenting anxious children. In the meantime, I wish you well as you endeavour to parent thoughtfully over the festive period and into the New Year.